Stuck in a textationship? Know how to move beyond texting in your relationship

A lot of emphasis is given to communication to build and maintain a healthy relationship. But what if your relationship is mostly based on texting? Gen Z calls it “textationship”, which means a relationship that is limited to just text communication. In this kind of a relationship, you bond with a person over text messages. You share big and small details of your life with that person. Even though your conversations get deeper, your relationship does not go beyond text messages or involve meeting in person. Does this mean this dating trend is unhealthy?

What is textationship?

It describes a modern form of relationship where two people primarily maintain text-based communication. They avoid or rarely engage in face-to-face interactions or voice calls. “This dynamic typically develops when individuals form an emotional connection through messaging apps but, whether by choice or circumstance, don’t progress to traditional dating or in-person meetings,” explains psychotherapist and life coach Dr Chandni Tugnait.

While it can provide emotional support and intellectual stimulation, it often lacks the depth of multisensory human interaction. During a 2014 study published in the Computers in Human Behavior journal, researchers found that texting too much had a negative link with relationship satisfaction.

What does textationship look like?

Here are a few key signs of a textationship:

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1. Message-only communication pattern

The relationship exists almost exclusively through written messages, with a noticeable reluctance to engage in calls or video chats. “Even when logical opportunities arise for voice communication (like during emergencies or important discussions), there is a strong preference to stick to texting, often justified with excuses about convenience or comfort,” says the expert.

2. Emotional depth without physical proximity

The relationship features deep emotional sharing and vulnerability through texts, yet there is a consistent pattern of avoiding in-person meetings. One or both parties might share personal struggles, dreams, and intimate thoughts, creating a sense of closeness that exists solely in the digital space.

3. Inconsistent engagement levels

There is often a pattern where one person carries the conversational weight. They might initiate most discussions, ask personal questions, or suggest meeting up. The other person responds with minimal effort or enthusiasm, but just enough to maintain the connection.

4. Late-night intensity

In case of a textationship, the relationship tends to deepen during late hours, with lengthy, emotionally charged conversations that create a temporary sense of intimacy. However, this typically does not carry over to daylight hours, where interactions become more superficial or distant.

What are the pros and cons of a textationship?

Here are the benefits of being in this kind of a relationship:

Pros of textationship

1. Emotional safety shield

A textationship provides a controlled environment for people with social anxiety or past relationship trauma to explore connections. The distance and time to compose responses can help build confidence in expressing feelings and thoughts.

2. Schedule flexibility

It allows people to maintain connections despite busy schedules or different time zones. Messages can be sent and responded to at convenient times. This makes it easier to balance communication with other commitments in life.

3. Thoughtful communication

“A textationship lets people carefully consider responses and deeper reflection before replying to messages,” says Dr Tugnait. This thoughtful form of communication potentially leads to more articulate expression of complex emotions like grief, or regret.

4. Digital record

When people are in a this kind of a relationship, they have a digital record of conversations. The documented history of conversations that can be revisited. It can help people understand patterns in their communication as well as relationship development.

Cons of textationship

Here are a few downsides of a textationship:

1. Delayed emotional development

A textationship prevents the growth of crucial real-time social skills and emotional intelligence. These come only when people engage in face-to-face interactions, and not just limit themselves to texting. It potentially stunts relationship-building abilities.

2. False intimacy

An illusion of closeness is created through carefully curated responses when people are in a textationship. This false intimacy leads to idealised versions of both the people involved in this kind of a relationship. These versions may not match reality.

3. Avoidance pattern

Avoiding talking about things that matter with a romantic partner is not good for a relationship. “A textationship can reinforce unhealthy avoidance patterns and prevent individuals from addressing underlying relationship fears or social anxieties,” says the expert.

4. Limited sensory experience

There are words and emojis that can help to convey what you want to say. But only texting in a relationship lacks the full spectrum of human connection – physical presence, voice tonality, body language, and shared experiences. These are all essential for deep bonding.

5. Time investment risk

Every relationship needs time to grow. “In case of a textationship, it may consume significant emotional energy and time that could be spent developing more substantive, in-person relationships,” says the expert. If not a relationship, the time spent on a textationship could be used for personal growth activities.

Is textationship healthy?

“A textationship typically carries more psychological risks than benefits for healthy relationship development,” says the expert. Excessive use of smartphones for communication, including texting, can lead to anxiety, as per a study published in Plos One in 2017. Another study published in Communication Studies in 2019 showed that face-to-face connections lead to a better relationship quality than relationships primarily based on texting.

From a mental health perspective, these digital-only connections create a false sense of emotional security while potentially exacerbating loneliness and isolation. “While message notifications provide temporary dopamine (happy hormone) hits, they fail to deliver the oxytocin (love hormone) release that comes from physical presence and touch,” says the expert.

However, in specific circumstances like long-distance relationships or people working through social anxiety with professional guidance, a temporary textationship phase might help in forming more complete relationships. But there needs to be a clear intention to progress beyond digital-only interaction.

How to come out of a textationship?

You can end this kind of a relationship if you wish to with these methods:

1. Get some clarity

Start by having an honest self-assessment conversation about your needs and motivations. “Recognise whether you are staying in the textationship out of convenience, fear, or genuine connection,” says the expert. This clarity will help strengthen your decision to make changes.

2. Move beyond texts

Take gradual but firm steps toward either progression or conclusion. If you see potential, directly express your desire to evolve the relationship beyond texts. Suggest voice calls, video chats, or meeting in person. Set clear timelines and expectations for this progression. If the other person consistently avoids these steps, take this as a signal to move on.

3. Be honest about what you want

If you decide to end the textationship, communicate your decision clearly and kindly. “Avoid ghosting, as it can leave unresolved emotions,” says the expert. Send a thoughtful message explaining your position, such as: “I have valued our conversations, but I am looking for a relationship that includes in-person connection. Since we seem to want different things, I think it’s best we move on.”

4. Create boundaries

After communicating your decision, create boundaries by reducing text availability. This might mean muting notifications, deleting message threads, or even removing their contact if necessary. Focus on building in-person connections through social activities or dating apps that emphasise face-to-face meetings.

Takeaway

A textationship can serve as a shield for those with social anxiety or past relationship trauma, but it may also enable avoidant attachment patterns. It may prevent the development of crucial interpersonal skills necessary for maintaining meaningful long-term relationships. If you decide to end a textationship, remember it is not about placing blame. It is about acknowledging that your relationship needs have evolved beyond what a text-only connection can provide.