Going on a first date? 20 ice-breaker questions to ask

Looks may be the main reason why you decided to go on a first date with someone you don’t really know. But romance is not just about physical appearance or style. It is also about communication, so you need to keep the conversation going if you don’t want your first date to end quickly! Once you are done with a basic introduction, you may wonder what to ask and how to get to know your potential romantic partner better. Your first date can be a beginning of something new and exciting if you ask the right questions. Don’t know what to ask on a first date? An expert shares first date questions that can help to break the ice.

Why are first dates usually awkward?

Potential romantic partners can accurately perceive each other’s unique personality profiles during their first date, as per research published in the Journal of Research in Personality in 2020. But initially, first dates can feel a bit awkward, and there are good reasons for this. When we meet someone new who we might like romantically, our brains and emotions go into overdrive. “We really want to make a good impression, which can make us feel nervous or stressed,” says psychotherapist and life coach Dr Chandni Tugnait.

This nervousness might make us act differently than we usually do. So, we might talk too much or too little or feel clumsy. Also, we are not sure if the other person likes us or if we will get along well. We are trying to figure them out while also trying to show our best selves. Doing both at once can be quite tricky.

Remember, feeling a little awkward is normal and happens to most people. “Knowing why first dates can be awkward can help you be kinder to yourself and have more realistic expectations, making the experience a bit less awkward,” says the expert.

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What are the first date questions to ask someone?

Conversation is important on the first date. During a 2004 study published in Communication Research, participants who went on a first date expected to have intimate communication when their dating partners were their close friends. They did not have the same expectation when their dating partners were casual acquaintances. So, if you are dating an acquaintance, ask a mix of questions that cover light-hearted and meaningful topics. Here are questions to ask on a first date to get to know the person better:

1. What is the most exciting thing about your job?

This question shows interest in their career while allowing them to share something they are passionate about.

2. What do you like to do when you are not working?:

It helps uncover hobbies and interests, potentially revealing shared activities.

3. What was the last book you really enjoyed?

It provides insight into their intellectual interests and reading habits.

4. If you could go anywhere right now, which city or country would you pick?

It reveals their sense of adventure and dream destinations.

5. What is your favourite childhood memory?

It encourages sharing of personal stories and gives insight into their background.

6. What is the best advice you have ever received?

It shows what they value and consider important life lessons.

7. What is your idea of a perfect weekend?: It helps understand their lifestyle preferences and what they find relaxing or fun.

8. What are you really proud of?

This question allows them to share their accomplishments and help boost positive conversation.

9. What is the most unusual food you have ever tried?

It reveals their openness to new experiences and culinary adventures.

10. If you could have dinner with someone from a different era, who would it be?

It provides insight into their interests in history, politics, or culture.

11. What is your favourite way to unwind after a long day?

It helps understand their stress management and relaxation preferences.

12. What is a skill you would love to learn?

It reveals aspirations and areas of interest they have not yet explored.

13. What is the best concert or show you have ever been to?

It uncovers their taste in music or entertainment and memorable experiences.

14. If you could become an expert in one topic or subject, what would it be?: It shows their intellectual curiosity and things they are interested in.

15. What is your favourite family tradition?

It provides insight into their family life and personal values.

16. What is the most spontaneous thing you have done in your life?

It reveals their adventurous side and openness to new experiences.

17. What is your go-to comfort food?

This light-hearted question about comfort food can lead to discussions about food preferences and memories.

18. If you could change one thing about your city, what would it be?

It shows their engagement with their community and problem-solving mindset.

19. What is the best gift you have ever given or received?

It reveals their thoughtfulness and what they value in relationships.

20. What are you looking forward to in the near future?

It ends on a positive note, focusing on their hopes and plans.

“These questions can help to find common ground and each other’s interests while also revealing different aspects of each person’s personality, values, and experiences in life,” says Dr Tugnait. By asking open-ended questions, you encourage more than just yes or no answers, leading to more engaging conversations and a better opportunity to get to know each other.

What not to ask on a first date?

Here are some questions to avoid on a first date:

1. Why are you still single?

This implies there is something wrong with being single and can make the person feel defensive.

2. How much money do you make?

It is too personal for a first date and can make the conversation feel transactional.

3. Do you want kids?

This is a topic that can create pressure and is usually too intense for a first meeting.

4. What happened in your last relationship?

This focuses on past relationships rather than getting to know each other and can bring up negative emotions.

5. Do you believe in a specific religion or political party?

Unless it comes up naturally, avoid potentially divisive topics early on.

6. How many people have you slept with?

This is too personal and can make the other person uncomfortable.

7. Are you seeing other people right now?

It is too soon to discuss exclusivity and can come across as possessive.

8. Do you think I am attractive?

This puts the other person on the spot and can seem insecure.

9. What is wrong with you?

Even if meant jokingly, this can be offensive and start the date on a negative note.

10. Can you lend me some money?

This is inappropriate and can make you seem financially irresponsible or manipulative.

“These questions are generally best avoided because they can create discomfort, pressure, or negative emotions,” says the expert. They may be too personal, invasive, or inappropriate for a first-date setting. The goal of a first date is usually to create a positive, relaxed atmosphere where both people can get to know each other gradually. These first date questions can instead create tension awkwardness, or even end the date prematurely. It’s better to focus on lighter, more general topics that allow for friendly conversation and the discovery of shared interests.

Is asking deeper questions on a first date a big no?

Asking deeper questions early when dating can be both good and bad. It can help you get close faster and see if you are a good match. “You might have more meaningful talks that reveal important things about each other. But it can also feel too much too soon for some people,” says the expert. It might make them uncomfortable or lead to quick judgments.

It is best to start with easy topics and slowly move to deeper ones if it feels right. Good deeper questions might be about family, big life challenges, future plans, how they balance work and life, or what success means to them. When asking these questions, it is important to make sure the other person seems okay with it. Be ready to answer the same questions yourself and ask in a friendly way, not like a job interview. Show real interest in their answers and mix in some fun, light talk too.

Whether to ask deep questions early depends on how things are going. If you both seem comfortable and the talk naturally gets more serious, it can help you connect better. But if it feels forced, it is better to keep things light and let the deep stuff come up over time.

First dates can be awkward and exciting at the same time. Your goal should be to get to know each other better, so make sure to ask the right first date questions.