How to survive a dysfunctional family: 10 tips for your sanity

There is no perfect family! But there are healthy families where every member feels safe and comfortable in expressing their needs, thoughts and emotions. There are also families that have members with unresolved issues. You have probably seen a glimpse of dysfunctional families in movies or television shows. Dysfunctional families can have an impact on the mental health of the members. If a family does not have enough stability and support to nurture its members, they can suffer from mental health challenges. Living in a dysfunctional family can be stressful, affect self-esteem and give rise to the feeling of sadness or loneliness. But there are ways to deal with a dysfunctional family.

What is a dysfunctional family?

Any disintegrated family structure, attributed to consistent conflict, misunderstanding or abuse is known as a dysfunctional family. A healthy family is one that provides emotional, psychological or social support to its members, especially children. “But if the family fails to cater to such needs and lacks in providing support or stability to its members, families often fail,” says psychiatrist Dr Ashish Bansal.

The causes of a dysfunctional family are many. Some of them are:

• One of the parents suffering from depression or personality disorders. Such parents may fail to provide a supportive and loving atmosphere for the children.
• Sometimes, one or both the parents are involved in drug abuse and excessive alcohol consumption, which can take a toll on a family’s life.
• There can be certain unresolved experiences of the past. For example, the neglect in their own childhood, and this may replicate in their own parenting patterns.
• Some families are less social and don’t have a strong bond with their extended family members, and friends. They can even find it hard to deal with their own interpersonal family life.
• Sometimes one member of the family can be very controlling or dominating which can cause power imbalance within the family.
• Certain dysfunctional behaviours of abuse, misunderstanding, lack of communication and neglect can be passed on to the generation line.

What are the signs of a dysfunctional family?

Don’t know if you are part of a dysfunctional family? Here are some signs:

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1. Lack of communication

In a dysfunctional family, its members often find it hard to convey their emotions or thoughts. This lack of speech often leads to long-standing resentment and conflicts, ultimately breaking the family ties. “The lack of communication further strains the relationship by the passive comments passed by the family members such as taunts or sarcastic statements,” says the expert.

2. Role reversal

Sometimes, parents start looking forward to their children for emotional support which puts unnecessary pressure on the child. In certain situations, children are being forced to act as an adult by taking care of their siblings and this can put the child under stress or anxiety.

3. Member with an addiction

If one or more of your family members are involved in substance abuse of any kind, it can disrupt one’s family life. It can also lead to instability in the relationships, financial crisis, and emotional rollercoaster ride.

4. Neglect

Members of a dysfunctional family may not cater to the basic needs such as food, clothing, shelter, and even medical care. Parents or guardians can also be emotionally unavailable to provide enough love and support to their children.

Why is living in a dysfunctional family bad for mental health?

Kids who grow up in dysfunctional families may develop mental illness. If it is left treated, it can result in mental health problems such as depression and anxiety, as per a research published in Parenting in Modern Societies in 2023.

Living in a dysfunctional family can take a toll on mental health in the following ways:

• Families having a disrupted structure may have unpredictable conflicts, creating an ambience of instability. This can result in high levels of stress within the family members.
• If the family members keep on criticising and belittling each other, it can lead to low self-esteem.
• Feeling neglected, especially emotionally, by a family member can give rise to the feeling of sadness or loneliness.
• Any long-standing physical or mental abuse within a family can give rise to trauma. This can further show symptoms of emotional numbness, flashbacks or nightmares.
• If the emotions are not acknowledged while living in a family, it can disrupt a person’s emotional well-being. It might become difficult to keep the emotions of anger or frustration regulated.

What are the ways to deal with a dysfunctional family?

There are ways to deal with dysfunctional families:

1. Set up boundaries

You should know which family member’s nature impacts your mental health the most and try to stay away or minimise communication as far as possible. As you set up boundaries, convey them to your family members in a calm and peaceful manner.

2. Self care

Practice yoga or meditate to calm your mind and feel relaxed. You can also pursue hobbies or get involved in a group of supporting friends. Find a place for yourself where you feel most comfortable in solitude.

3. Focus on future plans

Rather than thinking about your family issues all the time, look forward to your personal growth. “Focus on your plans of how you want your life to be,” suggests Dr Bansal.

4. Limit contact if needed

If you find that certain members of your family are toxic, you should try to avoid interactions with them either by reducing the frequency of visiting them or trying to limit conversation with them. Your entire focus should be towards positive members of your family who support you.

5. Communication is the key

If you want to stay well balanced in a dysfunctional family, you should know the art of communication for expressing your feelings without blaming others. Be an active speaker as well as a listener, as listening is equally important.

6. Practice emotional detachment

Learn the art of detaching yourself emotionally from the conflicts happening in your family. Detachment doesn’t mean that you should stop caring, but rather you should not allow your emotions to be affected very easily. Staying neutral during a family conflict is the key.

7. Know your happy place

Find out the activities that give you joy and bring you relaxation. It may be anything such as reading, painting or singing or playing any musical instrument. This will distract you from your stressful situations. Sometimes emotions can be very easily expressed via creative things, such as writing or drawing.

8. Be well educated

Read certain books, articles or online resources and learn more about the dynamics of dysfunctional families. This will help you to gain some sense about the situation and realise that you are not alone.

9. Create your support system

Keep yourself surrounded with friends or family members who support, understand and love you and give you positive feelings. Look out for mentors, whether in your personal life or professional life, who can guide you whenever you are caught up in a stressful situation.

10. Seek help

If you find it hard to process or cope with your feelings, try seeking help from a therapist for better emotional understanding. “If your family members are up for it, you can even go for a family therapy,” says the expert.

Living up in a dysfunctional family can be hard and may affect your mental health. That’s why creating a support system, and focusing on communication with family members are important to deal with dysfunctional families.